| Sen. Mark Udall, D-Colo., shows his true colors with his Peyton Manning jersey |
While most view the game as a chance to be entertained by men colliding with other men, true students of lightly fabricated American history know Sunday's clash is all about political power.
The first Super Bowl was in 1967 and featured the Green Bay Packers and Kansas City Chiefs. Liberals hated the Chiefs because the team name was disrespectful to Native Americans, and conservatives hated the Packers because the name reminded them of unionized meat-packing workers.
Though the Super Bowl was billed as a "sporting event," Democratic President Lyndon B. Johnson had secretly made a backroom deal with Republican lawmakers: If the Packers won, liberals would call the shots for a year; if the Chiefs won, conservatives could have their way.
The Packers won 35-10, and later that year, Johnson signed the Public Broadcasting Act into law, leading to liberalism's greatest achievement: National Public Radio.
Since that first game, liberals and conservatives have always chosen Super Bowl teams in a battle for ideological supremacy. This year will be no different.
That's why I'm here to help you understand which team you should root for when the Seattle Seahawks meet the Denver Broncos on Sunday.
If you're a liberal, you definitely want to pull for the Broncos.
Here are a few sensible reasons:
• Quarterback Peyton Manning is known for distributing the ball fairly evenly among his receivers. That's socialism, and it makes him the Barack Obama of football.
• A bronco is a horse, and horses are an eco-friendly means of transportation, making the Broncos the Toyota Prius of NFL teams.
• While Colorado has its fair share of conservatives, the state is crawling with nature-loving liberals who savor the mountains, forests and easy access to bulk granola. (Marijuana is legal in Colorado, but it's also legal in Washington, making the liberal narcotic factor a wash.)
Conservatives will undoubtedly pull for the Seahawks, for the following reasons:
• A sea hawk is another name for an osprey, a bird of prey that kind of looks like an eagle. Nothing is more American than an eagle, and thus the Seahawks are the more patriotic of the two teams.
• Though Seattle is known as a hotbed of liberalism, the city is home to coffee giant Starbucks and online retailer Amazon, two companies that have embraced the spirit of capitalism by crushing small businesses around the globe. If you believe in large profit margins and the free market, Seattle's the team for you.
• The Seahawks' defense is stout and immovable, not unlike congressional Republicans who have successfully tackled almost every piece of legislation the president has run at them. It's the kind of gridiron gridlock that will inspire GOPers to cheer mightily for Seattle each time Manning (aka Obama) tries to run a play.
Now that you know which team to support, a quick word on ideologically pure snacks.
Nachos are a Super Bowl favorite. If you're a liberal, you want to make sure your nachos are meat-free and made with organic blue-corn tortilla chips (with flaxseed) purchased from a Whole Foods that you can ride to on your recumbent bicycle. You'll also want to charge your guests for each plate of nachos and donate the money to a group that advocates for immigration reform.
If you're conservative, you'll want to use potato chips instead of tortilla chips, because tortilla chips are just corn-based illegal immigrants. Top the chips with a wide variety of freshly killed endangered animal meat, then smother the works with Freedom Cheese (Velveeta). Also, don't call them "nachos." Your guests will prefer "Patriot Meat Dip."
This should be enough to give you a properly politicized Super Bowl Sunday.
Oh, one last thing. If you're a libertarian, just sit around and explain to the liberals or conservatives you happen to be around that rules only hurt the game and referees are a big-government intrusion on the individual player's rights and liberties. Then grab a plate of meatless nachos or Patriot Meat Dip, sit back and root for a tie.
rhuppke@tribune.com
3 comments:
Or, if you are a supporter of the British Liberal Democrats, don't support either team until the last minute of the game, and then go rush to join the supporters of the side that is clearly going to win.
Well, played Iman. Who would the Marxist Mavericks support?
Could Ted Cruz be associated as a Richard Sherman? Vocal "leader" of the Republican party, who in the end may be in it all for himself. The Seahawks represented by the Republican party, so this may work. And Sherman's little tantrum at the end could go hand in hand with Cruz's "fillibuster", which seemed like a tantrum to me as well. Too bad for the Republicans unlike the Seahawks, it doesn't look like they will be winning the healthcare debate anytime soon.
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